Burning Heart, Lost in Thought

"The greatness of one's sorrow when parting, is the evidence of one's love... so if one fears sorrow one wouldn't be able to love anything." - Unknown (to me)


I've just finished watching an anime called "Ah, My Goddess". Honestly, my intentions when downloading this anime were less than honorable, though I continued to watch for a completely different reason. Something awoke in me that I thought I had locked up, again.

It, is a love story. A young man, a very unlucky young man is at his dorm alone when he tries to call his senpai's to check in and accidentally connects with heavens Goddess Assistance Agency and he meets a very beautiful Goddess. She comes to earth to grant this very unlucky boy a wish. Anything he could possibly ask for, Riches, Women, Sucess, even the destruction and domination of the earth. but he only had one wish.

He wishes for her to stay with him forever, and heaven grants his wish. They are bound together unable to be seperated, and if they try the "Unstopable Force" the power which binds them intervenes and makes it impossible for the to be appart. its usually minor things like getting kicked out of his dorm because no women are allowed in that building and having to find a place for the both of them to live together.

At first she does it because of the contract, but she very quickly falls in love, and even though he doesnt realize it right away, he does too. Many things happen to them over the course of the series and in the end the contract is broken and she is free do what ever it is that she wants.

She chooses to stay with him, and he is finally able to tell her he loves her. And she is able to do the same.

I don't know why this anime has affected me so much. Several days before I even came across this show I was in the shower and thinking like i always do in the shower. I was thinking about my life in the future and what I wanted, relationship wise. and All I could see was love. I wanted to love someone, to give my heart entirely to her, and care for, protect, and provide for this woman. To love our child, which in this daydream was a little girl, a little girl who looked so much like her mother. I held my child in my arms and kissed her forhead while her mother watched and smiled. I couldnt see any faces but i could tell that they were beautiful, like nothing i had ever seen before.

When the day dream ended and I came back to the shower I almost cried. And now this anime, so full of love. I ache to feel loved again. I ache to give my love to someone. I know i have so much to give, its just waiting inside of me to burst out.

Maybe I'm just lonely, maybe I just need to find a girlfriend. The wierd thing is, I don't want just another girlfriend. I'm only 21 but I feel so much older, I want a life with someone, I want love with someone, I dont even care about sex (though it would be nice.) I just want to hold someone so my arms dont feel so useless. Why are they here if not to protect those important to me? I feel like im going to burst. Since I started writing this I've been shivering, but I'm not cold. Its like, I don't know it's like overflowing energy I can't contain. I'm glad I grew up with 2 sisters, I may be more open than most guys, more able to understand what I'm feeling.

I want my life to move forward, It's so stagnant I can't stand it anymore. I want love. I want to feel what love is like again.I miss being loved.

After saying all that. I don't want it right now. I want it whenever God has it planned for me. I've wondered in the past why God is making me wait so long. Then I read something in a book,

" "Why God? Why would you ask me wait years for someone to love?"
"Who said I asked you to wait years?"
"What do you mean?"
"Life isn't lived years at a time"
"I don't understand"
"Life isn't lived years at a time"
"I still don't understand"
"You can only take in life one day at a time"
"So you only want me to wait for one day?"
"You can only wait for one day, then when that day is done, you can only wait for the next day."
"Waiting only one day isn't so bad"
"No, one day is not so bad." " - Loosely quoted from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (I think, ive read a few books like this)

I want my life to be stable first. I want my career to begin, I want to be an Officer before I find this love. But who am I to say what I want to happen? It will happen when it happens, all I can do is make it though one day.

I've been listening to the theme song for Ah, My Goddess on repeat since starting this post, I still cant undersand the words but the song is beautiful, and somehow its meaning is not lost.

If I had a wish. I would wish for someone to love, and be loved by in return, for the rest of my life, and after.

"The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives." - Albert Schweitzer

Lord, don't let this feeling die again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldh_pk_vz9E